The Question of Suffering

It has been awhile since my last entry, I know.

Often, when I am deeply considering and pondering, I go silent. 

Such is the nature of an introvert.

For several weeks I have been wondering about how and where suffering and God's love intersect.

Suffering takes on many forms and meanings, and each one of us has a threshold of "how much they can take" or how much they perceive they "can take" without self destructing.

I recently read an article by a young mother of three who had experienced a long season of childhood illnesses over the ourse of several months. It was quite a nuisance, and to top it off, when she thought they were getting their footing back, her husband developed a case of appendicitis which needed immediate surgery. 

She could not believe it and responded to her husband's phone call from the emergency room with an unsympathetic..."you have got to be kidding me."

This string of events in her life brought her to her breaking point.

In light of that article, I began to review the challenging events in my own life which have occurred since this past fall.

 I will be transparent and share them with you.

Beginning in late August, I was very excited to begin a new "career" as a post partum doula, and was well on my way to becoming certified. The timing was perfect, I had just sent my 4th daughter off to college, and my remaining child at home was entering school full time. 

This would be the first year since having kids that I would no longer be a full time "home schooling" Mom.

I needed something to keep me busy, and was so happy to begin working with a mother of twins.

About 6 weeks into the job, I received the difficult and unwanted news that I had colon cancer.

This meant my life was about to change significantly and the first thing that had to go was my new job. I needed surgery and was then told I would need 6 months of chemotherapy, which I am presently undergoing.

At about the same time as my diagnosis, my newly minted college student (freshman) experienced the heartbreak of the loss of a long term relationship, which I was guiding her through from a distance of over 1500 miles.

Within weeks, I received a phone call from my youngest child's school saying they had intercepted some texts relaying that she was struggling with seriously depressive thoughts and tendencies.

I thought that it was more than I could bear, both physically and emotionally.

After a happy Christmas with all my dear children at home (including my eldest daughter and her husband who are presently living in Spain), the winter set in.

A long and exceedingly cold winter at that.

I enjoy being outside even in winter. Although I am not a skier,  I do enjoy taking long walks outside when the weather isn't bitter cold.

 Well, this has been a winter for the record books in terms of a long duration of cold.

Add to that the fact that an unfortunate side effect from one of my chemo drugs is "cold sensitivity" and I have been housebound like never before in my life.

Even when bundled up from head to toe with the most expensive outerwear money can but, I experience the sensation of sharp needles pelting my skin if the cold air is able to penetrate though all my layers, which it inevitably is able to do. 

Even today, I took a walk and although it is 30 degrees, I had to return home after a mere 30 minutes as the breeze on my face was causing the effect of sharp pins piercing my skin.

Then there is my little dog. My one companion who gives me unconditional love. 

With my adult children scattered across the globe, and one angsty middle schooler, I had my little dog friend to keep me company. 

Until he started experiencing serious pain. It took 3 weeks and several long term vet visits ($$) 

to confirm he had a deteriorating disk in his back, very common in mini dachshunds.

We were then faced with a difficult decision. 

Do we try surgery, which had a high probability of success, but a very high price tag, or do we put him down?

Not an easy decision, and one which had to be made pretty much on the spot.

I love my little dog, BUT he is almost 10 years old and $4K seemed like a lot of money to me to spend on a 13 pound animal!

Especially in light of my medical bills, which yes, were covered in part AFTER reaching our ridiculously high deductible!

Thankfully, we were directed to  a foundation which helped pay for half the bill, we opted for the surgery. 

(I am pleased to report that he is recovering quite well, although he is missing a LOT of fur!)

And finally, there is the experience of chemo itself. And the side effects of the side effects. I won't go into all that now.

 Suffice it to say, there are reasons why some people choose to refuse treatment because the intensity of the drugs required to kill off cancer cells is daunting.

All of these events left me wondering if I was being picked on by God. 

Or rather if God was allowing the devil to pick on me. Like he did with Job.

The bible speaks from cover to cover of God's steadfast, unfailing love for his people. 

Which led me to the question, how do I reconcile the love of God with the experience of suffering?

My heart has been that of the psalmist,

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. 

 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

 Where can I go and meet with God?"

Ps. 42:1-2

What we know of God and his character is found in Scripture, and that is where I was parked looking for answers.

 I spent many hours reading over Scripture and reflecting, but it would take some time before I found what I was seeking.

One dark and gloomy day, I had a very encouraging conversation with an old dear friend of mine who has walked the road of suffering.

He reminded me that God allows those he loves to experience the desert wanderings at times.

The Israelites are a prime example. They were just six miles away from their intended destination and it took them 40 years of wandering and two generations to finally get to the promised land.

And what of Jesus' time in the desert, where for forty days he was alone and without food, and then was tempted by the devil?

In these examples, were the people God loved ever out the view or care of their Father?

Of course the answer is, No!

I wandered quite awhile in my desert place.

All the while asking God to speak to me.

I knew he loved me, but it wasn't making sense that a loving God would allow one of his own to experience this load of physical and emotional suffering.

After many days of seeking through prayer and the Word, I had an answer.

 Suffering and the love of God intersect at the cross. 

It is an incredible paradox that such dreadful suffering, and the death that followed on a despicable cross, is exactly the place where the love of God is demonstrated.

Romans 5: 6-8 speaks to this truth, 

"At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly die.

But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

In John 15:13 I read anew,

"Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Christ had to suffer an excruciating death in order for the love of God for all mankind to be accomplished and manifested.

The words to this modern hymn by Stuart Townsend are on point and move me,

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

that He should give His only Son to 

make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss, 

the Father turns his face away,

as wounds which mar the Chosen One,

bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon a cross, 

my sin upon His shoulders,

ashamed I hear my mocking voice

call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held him there

until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me  life:

I know that it is finished.

How Deep the Father's Love for Us (1995)

It is clear from the Bible that God uses suffering and affliction in the lives of His children because it drives us to Him at the foot of the cross.

If Jesus suffered, so must his followers. 

Hebrews 2:10

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering."

Don't ask me how this works. God's ways are mysterious! 

This is the stuff of faith!

So I am resolved to accept from my Father's hand whatever suffering He sees fit to bring into my life at this time, and I will depend upon His grace to give me the strength and comfort I need to endure the trial.

And I will look forward to the time when he will lead me to a place of rest and refreshment!

February 6, 2015 Fear or Faith?

Before Christmas, my husband relocated the bird feeder in our front yard so that I could sit in my favorite chair by the window and view the birds as they visit.

We have quite an assortment: cardinals, juncos, sparrows, redpolls, nuthatches, chickadees, finches,woodpeckers, and the blue jays, who like to push aside the smaller birds so that they can grab an easy meal.

Birds are such delicate creatures and appear so vulnerable, yet somehow they survive these bitter temperatures and prolonged winter storms.

 They are plump and beautifully attired, and do not seem to have a care in the world!

Watching them, I am often reminded of Matthew 6:26.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not much more valuable than they?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Did you catch that last line? 

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Worry. Anxiety. Fear.

How large these adversaries of the soul loom in my life!

I have heard it said that stress introduces one to himself. I think that is true.

So I have had to face the fact that when I am in deep distress, what rises to the top is anxiety and fear.

God has used my present trial of doing battle with cancer, to drive home the fact that I need to address the stronghold that fear and anxiety have in my life.

I have done some soul searching to get to the bottom of what drives me to fear instead of faith when my circumstances overwhelm me or are beyond my control.

As I have reflected and prayed for insight, it has become clear to me that fear has always been my first refuge.

As a young girl, I taught myself to flee the difficult circumstances in my home life by running to and living a shelter of fear.

 Blanketing myself in fear and anxiety have been my default setting for most of my life.

 But living in fear itself is an ineffective fortress of consolation.

 I have been thinking much about the disciples that day on the lake, when they were in the boat with Jesus and a violent storm overtook them.

Their first response is to freak out in fear! And then, they look for help. 

They look for the Master. 

He is not freaking out. In fact He is asleep. 

He is so exhausted from preaching and teaching and healing and feeding the crowds that day, that he is in a very deep sleep.

So the disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord save us! We're going to drown!"

 Jesus replied," You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. (Matt. 8:24-26)

Such is the power of the God-Man.

With a word of rebuke the wind and the waves calmed right down.

"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

These words have challenged me.

Honestly, I could give a million reasons why I am afraid, but that is really not the point.

The question is, where is my faith?

Is my faith strong enough to sustain me in my trials and difficulties? 

And if not, why not?

Again, back to the lake.

The disciples are in the boat which has drifted a good distance from the shore.  

After retreating for a time to pray, Jesus walks out onto the lake to catch up with his disciples.

The God -Man can do that.

The disciples, when they get a glimpse of him walking out towards them, again, freak out! 

When Peter gets his mind around the fact that it is Jesus coming towards him, and not a ghost, he reckons himself strong enough in spirit of get out of the boat and meet Jesus on the water.

But as soon as Peter TAKES HIS EYES OFF JESUS and looks at the wind, he starts to sink.

Then Jesus reaches out his hand, and catches him.

 I am Peter on the water, and when I look at the storm that is threatening me I first run to fear, and then to faith because I look at the storm and not the Savior.

I am always astounded by the love and care and patience Jesus had with his disciples, who later on became lion hearted saints.

He calls those of us who have been humbled by His witness and have 'repented and believe" in Him, saints as well.

In fact, he calls us many things. 

His sheep. His children. His beloved. His treasured possession. 

Clearly, this is a strong lesson the Lord has for me on this journey of affliction.

 He does not want me to be afraid. Or to worry. Or to focus on my circumstances.

He is my refuge and my strength.

Oh for continued grace to live by faith, and not fear!

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Is. 26:3

January 17, 2014 Demolishing the "If -Then" hypothesis

After receiving my diagnosis, I spent the first month frantically searching for some reasonable explanation for this occurrence.

It just didn't make sense!

 Though I am a woman of faith, admittedly, my thoughts ricocheted between resting in the sovereignty of God, and vainly seeking some concrete reason I could grasp. A tangible life raft.

Because, really, how could this be happening?

 I had no family history! I had never broken a bone, never had surgery, never used invasive contraceptives and had 5 unmedicated natural childbirths.

 I never took any medication except an occasional Excedrin for my routine migraines!

I was careful about what I ate, I read ingredient labels, I ate organic when practical, I eliminated high fructose corn syrup from our food sources, I exercised regularly at the gym, I took yoga classes, I went outdoors for sunbaths and fresh air daily....... I did NOT drink diet soda, and I wouldn't THINK of eating at Mc Donald's! ( well, okay, maybe a fish sandwich now and then, but ONLY if we were on the road traveling and there were no other options!)

I racked my brain and pored over the details of my lifestyle and I came up with the only possible explanation I could find..........   perhaps I had eaten too much bacon.

Yep. That was it. That is where I landed. Bacon.

Believe it or not, while grasping again at straws for a reason why I was looking at an X-ray of an ugly tumor in my colon, I looked  searchingly at my (wonderful) surgeon and asked,

 "Did I eat too much bacon?"

He graciously replied, "No. You did not eat too much bacon. One can never eat too much bacon."

So THAT theory was blown.

Now what was I left with in my quest for clarity?

I was  right where I needed to be.

 I was ready to receive the truth and a righteous understanding.

It struck me that I believed that I could control outcomes in my life.

Of course I often say that God is in control, and at my core, I do believe that.

But honestly, I often dabble in an "if- then" works based theology.
It is much more palatable to think that I have SOME control over the events in my life, and of course there is the biblical principle that we do reap what we sow.

So naturally, when standing in line behind a woman in a convenience store who was spending all her food stamps on diet soda and cigarettes, I THOUGHT she would eventually be the one with the life threatening health issue! Not me!

That type of processing reveals so much of how much wrong thinking I have.
How arrogant of me. How critical. How much I trust in my own efforts to guarantee an outcome.
What a reflection of the idolatry that exists in my heart.

What this truly reveals is the problem of unbelief.

I often don't believe that God is trustworthy and wise enough to know what is best for me.
I often don't believe that he is my LOVING heavenly father, who is constantly walking by my side, ready to listen to my cries, to comfort me in my fears and struggles, who is ready and willing to administer His perfect peace and grace.

 God is and always has been sovereign over every event and detail in my life.
He created me in my mother's womb, He gave me the breath of life, I am under His loving care, and He alone has numbered my days.

And He alone has brought me to this moment and this valley of affliction for a season.
It is all part of His design for me.
And He is providing for me in so many ways!
He has given me a strong servant husband who feeds me and goes with me to all my procedures, appointments and treatments, daughters who check in on my regularly from afar, a church that is praying and encouraging me with notes and meals, and so many dear friends that have reached out to me across the miles and have committed to praying for me for the long duration of treatment!

 How foolish of me to think that I deserve to have only the blessings and benefits of being His child, but none of the difficulties of being tempered in the refiner's fire.

I still have so much to learn.
I hope you will walk and learn along with me. And I covet your prayers.

So, that is a wrap for today.
I hope my entry has given you something to ponder when you encounter your next challenge.

In the meantime, go ahead, eat the darn bacon!

January 15, 2015

Welcome to my blog, "Streams in the Valley".

I have dedicated this space to chronicle the experiences of my battle against my unseen foe and formidable opponent, the big "c"... cancer. As far as background, I went in for my first colonosocopy in October, and as I awakened from the procedure, while lying there on the gurney in the examination room, I heard those words that no one ever wants or expects to hear. " I am sorry. You have cancer."

Immediately, words and terms I never wanted to include in my vocabulary slipped out from lips of doctors, floating on air, surrounding me and invading my mind sounding like alien monotone gibberish. But it was real. In an instant, I went from excitedly planning where my husband and I would lunch together after a long preparatory fast, to a free fall through space and time.
Much has happened since that day, much that I will share in later posts.
But the journey for me has begun.

As far as the title I chose for my blog, it references a passage from Isaiah 43:19, but with a little twist.

       See, I am doing a new thing!
        Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
       I am making a way in the desert
         and streams in the wasteland.

God provides streams in the desert. I love the imagery of refreshing, cool satisfying water in a dry parched wasteland or desert. It speaks to his abundant provision for his people in need.

Since I am privileged to live in the northeast surrounded by rolling green mountains which rise at the edge of a sizable lake, I thought "streams in the valley" was descriptive of my location and quite fitting. So I tweaked the title just a bit.


We journey through life by way of  hills and plains and mountaintops and valleys.
And God leads us every step of the way.

He has called me to walk in this strange valley of affliction for a time, as he has called many others before me, and will call many more in the future.
 Yet I am assured that he has ordained this path for me because He has many lessons to teach me in the process.
It is my desire to use this space to share with my readers not only an update on my status and treatments as they progress, but more importantly, those things which bring me comfort, and hope and strength as I proceed.

I happened upon this hymn just today, and I was awed by the appropriateness of the lyrics.

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
with your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my sprint staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of this trial
Form within me as I go-
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at your throne.

"Jesus draw me ever nearer" by Lindsey Graham Ministrieswelcome

Until next time, Blessings!
Feel free to comment and share your thoughts with me! I love to hear from you!