The Question of Suffering

It has been awhile since my last entry, I know.

Often, when I am deeply considering and pondering, I go silent. 

Such is the nature of an introvert.

For several weeks I have been wondering about how and where suffering and God's love intersect.

Suffering takes on many forms and meanings, and each one of us has a threshold of "how much they can take" or how much they perceive they "can take" without self destructing.

I recently read an article by a young mother of three who had experienced a long season of childhood illnesses over the ourse of several months. It was quite a nuisance, and to top it off, when she thought they were getting their footing back, her husband developed a case of appendicitis which needed immediate surgery. 

She could not believe it and responded to her husband's phone call from the emergency room with an unsympathetic..."you have got to be kidding me."

This string of events in her life brought her to her breaking point.

In light of that article, I began to review the challenging events in my own life which have occurred since this past fall.

 I will be transparent and share them with you.

Beginning in late August, I was very excited to begin a new "career" as a post partum doula, and was well on my way to becoming certified. The timing was perfect, I had just sent my 4th daughter off to college, and my remaining child at home was entering school full time. 

This would be the first year since having kids that I would no longer be a full time "home schooling" Mom.

I needed something to keep me busy, and was so happy to begin working with a mother of twins.

About 6 weeks into the job, I received the difficult and unwanted news that I had colon cancer.

This meant my life was about to change significantly and the first thing that had to go was my new job. I needed surgery and was then told I would need 6 months of chemotherapy, which I am presently undergoing.

At about the same time as my diagnosis, my newly minted college student (freshman) experienced the heartbreak of the loss of a long term relationship, which I was guiding her through from a distance of over 1500 miles.

Within weeks, I received a phone call from my youngest child's school saying they had intercepted some texts relaying that she was struggling with seriously depressive thoughts and tendencies.

I thought that it was more than I could bear, both physically and emotionally.

After a happy Christmas with all my dear children at home (including my eldest daughter and her husband who are presently living in Spain), the winter set in.

A long and exceedingly cold winter at that.

I enjoy being outside even in winter. Although I am not a skier,  I do enjoy taking long walks outside when the weather isn't bitter cold.

 Well, this has been a winter for the record books in terms of a long duration of cold.

Add to that the fact that an unfortunate side effect from one of my chemo drugs is "cold sensitivity" and I have been housebound like never before in my life.

Even when bundled up from head to toe with the most expensive outerwear money can but, I experience the sensation of sharp needles pelting my skin if the cold air is able to penetrate though all my layers, which it inevitably is able to do. 

Even today, I took a walk and although it is 30 degrees, I had to return home after a mere 30 minutes as the breeze on my face was causing the effect of sharp pins piercing my skin.

Then there is my little dog. My one companion who gives me unconditional love. 

With my adult children scattered across the globe, and one angsty middle schooler, I had my little dog friend to keep me company. 

Until he started experiencing serious pain. It took 3 weeks and several long term vet visits ($$) 

to confirm he had a deteriorating disk in his back, very common in mini dachshunds.

We were then faced with a difficult decision. 

Do we try surgery, which had a high probability of success, but a very high price tag, or do we put him down?

Not an easy decision, and one which had to be made pretty much on the spot.

I love my little dog, BUT he is almost 10 years old and $4K seemed like a lot of money to me to spend on a 13 pound animal!

Especially in light of my medical bills, which yes, were covered in part AFTER reaching our ridiculously high deductible!

Thankfully, we were directed to  a foundation which helped pay for half the bill, we opted for the surgery. 

(I am pleased to report that he is recovering quite well, although he is missing a LOT of fur!)

And finally, there is the experience of chemo itself. And the side effects of the side effects. I won't go into all that now.

 Suffice it to say, there are reasons why some people choose to refuse treatment because the intensity of the drugs required to kill off cancer cells is daunting.

All of these events left me wondering if I was being picked on by God. 

Or rather if God was allowing the devil to pick on me. Like he did with Job.

The bible speaks from cover to cover of God's steadfast, unfailing love for his people. 

Which led me to the question, how do I reconcile the love of God with the experience of suffering?

My heart has been that of the psalmist,

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. 

 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

 Where can I go and meet with God?"

Ps. 42:1-2

What we know of God and his character is found in Scripture, and that is where I was parked looking for answers.

 I spent many hours reading over Scripture and reflecting, but it would take some time before I found what I was seeking.

One dark and gloomy day, I had a very encouraging conversation with an old dear friend of mine who has walked the road of suffering.

He reminded me that God allows those he loves to experience the desert wanderings at times.

The Israelites are a prime example. They were just six miles away from their intended destination and it took them 40 years of wandering and two generations to finally get to the promised land.

And what of Jesus' time in the desert, where for forty days he was alone and without food, and then was tempted by the devil?

In these examples, were the people God loved ever out the view or care of their Father?

Of course the answer is, No!

I wandered quite awhile in my desert place.

All the while asking God to speak to me.

I knew he loved me, but it wasn't making sense that a loving God would allow one of his own to experience this load of physical and emotional suffering.

After many days of seeking through prayer and the Word, I had an answer.

 Suffering and the love of God intersect at the cross. 

It is an incredible paradox that such dreadful suffering, and the death that followed on a despicable cross, is exactly the place where the love of God is demonstrated.

Romans 5: 6-8 speaks to this truth, 

"At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly die.

But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

In John 15:13 I read anew,

"Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Christ had to suffer an excruciating death in order for the love of God for all mankind to be accomplished and manifested.

The words to this modern hymn by Stuart Townsend are on point and move me,

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

that He should give His only Son to 

make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss, 

the Father turns his face away,

as wounds which mar the Chosen One,

bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon a cross, 

my sin upon His shoulders,

ashamed I hear my mocking voice

call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held him there

until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me  life:

I know that it is finished.

How Deep the Father's Love for Us (1995)

It is clear from the Bible that God uses suffering and affliction in the lives of His children because it drives us to Him at the foot of the cross.

If Jesus suffered, so must his followers. 

Hebrews 2:10

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering."

Don't ask me how this works. God's ways are mysterious! 

This is the stuff of faith!

So I am resolved to accept from my Father's hand whatever suffering He sees fit to bring into my life at this time, and I will depend upon His grace to give me the strength and comfort I need to endure the trial.

And I will look forward to the time when he will lead me to a place of rest and refreshment!