January 17, 2014 Demolishing the "If -Then" hypothesis

After receiving my diagnosis, I spent the first month frantically searching for some reasonable explanation for this occurrence.

It just didn't make sense!

 Though I am a woman of faith, admittedly, my thoughts ricocheted between resting in the sovereignty of God, and vainly seeking some concrete reason I could grasp. A tangible life raft.

Because, really, how could this be happening?

 I had no family history! I had never broken a bone, never had surgery, never used invasive contraceptives and had 5 unmedicated natural childbirths.

 I never took any medication except an occasional Excedrin for my routine migraines!

I was careful about what I ate, I read ingredient labels, I ate organic when practical, I eliminated high fructose corn syrup from our food sources, I exercised regularly at the gym, I took yoga classes, I went outdoors for sunbaths and fresh air daily....... I did NOT drink diet soda, and I wouldn't THINK of eating at Mc Donald's! ( well, okay, maybe a fish sandwich now and then, but ONLY if we were on the road traveling and there were no other options!)

I racked my brain and pored over the details of my lifestyle and I came up with the only possible explanation I could find..........   perhaps I had eaten too much bacon.

Yep. That was it. That is where I landed. Bacon.

Believe it or not, while grasping again at straws for a reason why I was looking at an X-ray of an ugly tumor in my colon, I looked  searchingly at my (wonderful) surgeon and asked,

 "Did I eat too much bacon?"

He graciously replied, "No. You did not eat too much bacon. One can never eat too much bacon."

So THAT theory was blown.

Now what was I left with in my quest for clarity?

I was  right where I needed to be.

 I was ready to receive the truth and a righteous understanding.

It struck me that I believed that I could control outcomes in my life.

Of course I often say that God is in control, and at my core, I do believe that.

But honestly, I often dabble in an "if- then" works based theology.
It is much more palatable to think that I have SOME control over the events in my life, and of course there is the biblical principle that we do reap what we sow.

So naturally, when standing in line behind a woman in a convenience store who was spending all her food stamps on diet soda and cigarettes, I THOUGHT she would eventually be the one with the life threatening health issue! Not me!

That type of processing reveals so much of how much wrong thinking I have.
How arrogant of me. How critical. How much I trust in my own efforts to guarantee an outcome.
What a reflection of the idolatry that exists in my heart.

What this truly reveals is the problem of unbelief.

I often don't believe that God is trustworthy and wise enough to know what is best for me.
I often don't believe that he is my LOVING heavenly father, who is constantly walking by my side, ready to listen to my cries, to comfort me in my fears and struggles, who is ready and willing to administer His perfect peace and grace.

 God is and always has been sovereign over every event and detail in my life.
He created me in my mother's womb, He gave me the breath of life, I am under His loving care, and He alone has numbered my days.

And He alone has brought me to this moment and this valley of affliction for a season.
It is all part of His design for me.
And He is providing for me in so many ways!
He has given me a strong servant husband who feeds me and goes with me to all my procedures, appointments and treatments, daughters who check in on my regularly from afar, a church that is praying and encouraging me with notes and meals, and so many dear friends that have reached out to me across the miles and have committed to praying for me for the long duration of treatment!

 How foolish of me to think that I deserve to have only the blessings and benefits of being His child, but none of the difficulties of being tempered in the refiner's fire.

I still have so much to learn.
I hope you will walk and learn along with me. And I covet your prayers.

So, that is a wrap for today.
I hope my entry has given you something to ponder when you encounter your next challenge.

In the meantime, go ahead, eat the darn bacon!